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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It annoys my close ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that therapy might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You know it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This journey will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.